Stephen
King wrote this in the book IT, and the older I get, the more I come to believe
it’s true. I’ve always been a fat kid, I was a butterball growing up, and even
though it’s evened out a bit now, I’m still a tubby fuck. As a consequence, I
was, well, shunned seems too extreme, but in school I was treated like complete
shit by everybody but the teachers, and to be honest, even some of the
teachers. A further consequence of the ostracizing is that I have absolutely no
self-confidence. This
video, while hilarious, pretty much sums up how I feel about myself on a
day-to-day basis. I think my writing sucks and it’s only through sheer boredom
and grim force of will that I continue to do it, despite my better judgment. Despite
my bragging, I think my cooking is mediocre at best, and while it tastes good,
I can always find something wrong with it.
I
know I’m not the best looking guy. If you were able to see my mental image of
myself, it would be something that belongs in a freak show, like Joseph Merrick.
As a result of this horrible self-image and my lack of confidence, I don’t have
much luck with women. In fact, I tend to try too hard and end up driving them
away, or I don’t even admit that I like them until way too late. For instance,
I worked with a girl about 5 years ago, and I was so in love with her, but she
was taken, right? So nothing I can do about it, I’m just friendly with her,
like I always am. Twice during the span of time that I was working with her,
she broke up with her boyfriend and of course I’m so worthless that I did
absolutely nothing about it, despite urgings from our common friends.
And
now, she’s single again, and I still lack courage of any kind. Aside from
flirting, which I do with her as easily as breathing, I still have not made any
sort of move. Of course, I have doubts about whether she’d want me to.
Honestly, I don’t know why I’m writing this other than mild depression and a
general lack of giving a damn anymore.
Despite still not giving a damn, I feel the need to update with a sentence or two. The girl I mentioned above? Completely stopped talking to me. Oh fuckin' well.
Despite still not giving a damn, I feel the need to update with a sentence or two. The girl I mentioned above? Completely stopped talking to me. Oh fuckin' well.
