I used to be a fan of the History Channel, ya know, back
when they actually talked about history. Nowadays, however, it seems that all
they talk about is pseudo-history and Alien garbage. So I decided that, for a
week, I would keep track of how many actual historical items they show, versus
pseudo historical items. Now, disclaimer, I'll be basing this on title and
description or what I've seen of the show before, as I think I would lose my
ever-loving mind if I watched what the History Channel has become lately for an
entire week. So, starting today and going until January seventh, here we go.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Midnight to 4 AM: Four full hours of American Pickers. This
can have some history thrown in, but it's always as an afterthought. It's like
History's answer to Antiques Road show. It can be interesting, but it's not as
good as what History used to show.
4 to 7 AM: Off air; all you'll get is infomercials.
7 to 8 AM: UFO Files. Anything about aliens, I'm labeling as
pseudo-history. Yes, I believe aliens exist; it's ridiculous to think
otherwise. But no, I don't think they've come here to build pyramids (I will
straight up punch you in the throat if you say that to me), abduct yokels to
probe they butts or to mutilate cattle. Grow up.
8 AM to 4 PM: Hangar 1: The UFO Files; same as above, pseudo
historical garbage.
4 to Midnight: Pawn Stars. Kind of like American Pickers,
there can be some history thrown in, but I think these two shows are more
suited to a channel like Discovery.
Day One final tally: 12 hours of reality shows, 3 hours of infomercials, 9 hours of UFO garbage.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Well, day one was disheartening, if not unexpected. Let's
look at day two.
Midnight to 4 AM: More Pawn Stars. Is this History's
flagship show now?
4 to 7 AM: Infomercials. Leave your credit card in your wallet;
you don't need any of this.
7 AM to 1 PM: American Restoration. Great, a spin-off of
Pawn Stars and it's most likely more of the same as well.
1 to 7 PM: Counting Cars; another spin off of Pawn Stars,
this time focusing on cars. This is not history!
7 PM to Midnight: American Pickers.
So day two is marginally better. No pseudo-history, but
nothing really relating to history either. WTF?
Day Two final tally: 21 hours of reality, 3 hours of infomercials.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Day two seemed worse to me than day one, and just from a
quick look at the schedule, day three is not much better.
Midnight to 4 AM: American Pickers just like day one
4 to 7 AM: Infomercials. I find it hilarious that on the
schedule they're called "Info-Documentaries" as if they're actually
decent programming.
7 AM to 8 PM: Ancient Aliens. This is the worst garbage ever
to broadcast on a channel that was once considered a "history"
channel. Everything from Chernobyl to mythological gods to the pyramids is
blamed on aliens. THIS IS NOT HISTORY. IT'S PSEUDO-HISTORICAL GARBAGE.
8 PM to Midnight: Revelation: The End of Days. From what I'm
seeing after just a cursory bit of Googling, this was a two-part miniseries
about how the Book of Revelations could be unfolding in our own modern times. It's
fictionalized; even on the history channel's description it says that "The
news reports shown in this program have been fictionalized." This is
something that belongs on a religious channel, not a history channel. I'd be
fine with this if it were examining the allegory behind the book of revelation,
talking to theology professors and such, but that's not what they're doing here;
they're dramatizing it as if what is written in revelations was actually going
to happen. Listen, it's not. Assuming it was indeed written by one man, it was
written by a mad man two millennia ago.
Day 3 final tally: 4 hours of reality shows, 3 hours of infomercials, 13 hours of alien bs, 4 hours of religious programming.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Midnight to 4 AM: Revelation: The End of Days. Didn't
torture your viewers enough Friday and Saturday, you gotta turn around and show
this garbage again on Sunday? Sure, most people are asleep at this time, but
that's not a free pass to show rubbish.
4 to 7 AM: Infomercials
7 to 11 AM: Modern Marvels. Finally! Some real history! This
is actually a great show, detailing the construction of things we take for
granted but are really marvels of modern ingenuity and design. Almost a week
after I started, finally something with real history included.
11 AM to 6 PM: Big Rig Bounty Hunters; ah, another reality
show. You know, I'm tempted to write off all these reality shows as ridiculous.
Listen, these shows could be really cool, but I don't care; it's not
historical, it doesn't belong on the History Channel. I really shouldn't have
to explain the meaning of the name.
6 to 8 PM: American Pickers; yup, more of the same.
8 to 10 PM: Ax Men. This is another reality show and I'm
throwing it in the same pile as Big Rig Bounty Hunters, American Pickers and
Pawn Stars.
10 to 11 PM: Alaska Off-Road Warriors. Reality show
11 PM to Midnight: Pawnography. Reality show
Day Four finally tally: 4 hours of religion, 3 hours of infomercials, 4 hours of real history, 13 hours of reality
Monday, January 5, 2015
Midnight to 2 AM: Ax Men
2 to 3 AM: Alaska Off-Road Warriors
3 to 4 AM: Pawnography
4 to 6 AM: Infomercials
6 to 7 AM: THC Classroom; holy moly. I didn't think I'd find
anything vaguely worthwhile during this experiment, but I finally have. This is
an episode of Save Our History, an Emmy Award-winning program that was launched
in 1998, ya know, back when the name History Channel meant something other than
garbage. Its mission is to try and shore up history education and attempting to
impress upon people how important it is to preserve history. Good for them.
Shame the channel isn't still held up to the same standards today.
7 AM to 7 PM: The Universe. Hooray! More history, albeit
five days late.
7 PM to Midnight: Pawn Stars
Day Five final tally: 9 hours of reality, 2 hours of infomercials, 13 hours of real history!
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Midnight to 4 AM: Pawn Stars
4 to 7 AM: Infomercials
7 AM to 6 PM: Cities of the Underworld. I keep meaning to watch
this show, since it actually does look promising. This is what, the third or
fourth program that actually features real history?
6 to 10 PM: The Curse of Oak Island. Yet another reality
show with a little history thrown in. This show follows 2 guys from Michigan in
their search for buried treasure on Oak Island. Apparently they also discuss
the history of the island. Can't say for sure how informative it is, but it may
be less idiotic than some of the stuff they show.
10 PM to Midnight: Pawn Stars
Day 6 final tally: 10 hours of reality, 3 hours of infomercials, 11 hours of real history
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
The Final Day; just like in Majora's Mask, I feel like those
words should have been floating in front of my face when I woke up this
morning. Let's dive right in.
Midnight to 2 AM: The Curse of Oak Island
2 to 4 AM: Pawn Stars
4 to 7 AM: Infomercials
7 AM to 2 PM: America's Secret Slang. This looks promising.
Judging by the description on History.com, this seems to be an etymological
look at the slang Americans habitually use. Interesting concept, but according
to a Google search, their sources are inconsistent.
2 PM to Midnight: American Pickers.
Day 7 final tally: 14 hours of reality shows, 3 hours of infomercials, 7 hours of history.
Well that ends the week, ladies and gentlemen. 168 hours, 39
blocks of programming; of those 39, 22 blocks were reality shows, 7 blocks of infomercials,
3 blocks of alien garbage, 5 historical items and 2 religious items. Or, if we break it down by hours we have:
Reality shows: 83
Infomercials: 20
History: 35
Aliens: 22
Religion: 8
So this
week was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I expected way more alien
garbage, and instead I'm greeted by hour after hour of reality TV. It's not
pseudo-history, but you know what, it's not real history either. Listen, to
whomever runs the History Channel, your channel isn't about reality TV, hicks
looking for aliens, or guys traipsing around looking for buried treasure. It's
about history, American history, world history, hell even the history of the
universe. Billions of years of history right there to be explored and you're
spending over half of your time on reality shows. This was the first week of the year and I have to say, it's not encouraging.
