Ok, I'll be the first to admit that I may be the only heterosexual guy who read and pretty much enjoyed the piece of romantic fluff called The Twilight Saga. Had to turn off my brain to do it, but I didn’t really wanna think at the time that I read them. But honestly, does anyone remember Anne Rice? Seriously, was I the only one who enjoyed Lestat de Lioncourt's arrogance and self-centered attitude?
Honestly, I thought Louis was a whiny, pissy emo punk, at least in Interview with the Vampire, but I think that was kind of the point, but doesn't it seem that he's somehow, become shiny and changed his name to Edward Cullen? But whatever.
I remember, growing up, that it was cool to be a vampire slayer. Remember the Castlevania video games? Simon and Trevor Belmont made it cool to kill vampires. Hell, even in Dracula killing the undead demons was a desirable thing. I dunno, I probably wouldn’t wanna get romantically involved with someone that’s gonna want to drain every ounce of blood out of my body and leave me as a desiccated corpse. That’s not what I’m looking for in a woman. Biting is ok in my book, but dying is not high on my list of things to do, know what I mean?
Critics always call the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice “sexual” or “erotic” or “sensual”. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m a guy but I just don’t find anything at all erotic about it. They’re good stories, well told and Lestat is probably one of my favorite book characters, which happens to be a lengthy list including but not limited to: Roland Deschain from The Dark Tower, Durzo Blint and Kylar Stern from The Night Angel Trilogy and probably a dozen others. But I’m off topic here; I’m bitching about vampires becoming utter wussies. Vampires used to be men. Manly, visceral creatures, which broke into women’s bedchambers to suck the very life out of a woman and leave her drained, which is how most guys would like to leave a woman’s room, but few can actually do, so these ladies turn to the trashy romance novels with Fabio on the cover or vampire books.
But the beauty of the normal vampire novel (read: an Anne Rice vamp book) is that the vampires couldn’t care less about women. They come across as bisexual, and even that’s pushing it, because if I remember correctly, one of the books mentions that vampirism makes the sexual organs completely useless which made me utter an internal huzzah! because I really don’t wanna think about vampire sex. Wait…how the hell did I get here…Must go back and collect my thoughts.
Oh yes. It used to be cool to want to be a vampire slayer; and it was mainly because of Simon Belmont and, in a way, Abraham Van Helsing (from Dracula, not that horrible Hugh Jackman movie). They even tried to get girls into blood-sucker killing by introducing Buffy, but judging by the success of Twilight and the like they weren’t successful in that attempt. It’s time to bring back our beloved vampire killers. KONAMI; NINTENDO! I’m begging you, please, let us dust off the Vampire Killer whip on a next-gen console with a Castlevania game that doesn’t suck balls! Please! I want either a new, decent 3-d Castlevania game, or a damned evil vampire movie. As it turns out, both of those wishes may come true soon. Lords of Shadow looks promising and I thought I saw an evil vampire movie preview the other day. Huzzah! I’m just tired of teenage girls and MY MOTHER swooning over brooding, emo pretty boy vampires like Edward Cullen. Am I asking too much?
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